Fiancé Hiding Texts
Dear Both Ends: My fiancé seems to think that keeping things from me is a fun game. It
drives me nuts when he won’t answer my simple questions like, what are you up to? Or
who called? Or who are you texting? I’m not proud of it, but his secrecy made me feel
like I had to snoop into his saved text and phone messages to answer my questions. I
know he would never be unfaithful to me, but I did find some questionable things in his
phone. He has flirty texts to a girl that I’ve never met, and he had a voicemail from the
same girl asking what he was doing this weekend. After he found out about my
snooping, he locked his phone and continually goes through my phone as if it bothered
me…but I have nothing to hide. I just tell him to go ahead and look, I’m an open book.
He can’t get over the fact that I don’t trust him. I do trust him; he just gives me every
reason not to! What should I do?
Devon, 26, never married, no kids, engaged
Dr. Gomes: You do not trust him! Nor is he giving you reason to trust him. He seems to be playing
games and enjoying withholding information. He seems to be protecting his independence and not
serving to protect you or the relationship. There is an emotional fear, shame, or guilt associated
with his withholding. Since you cannot make him behave, you will have to decide what are your
limits and boundaries. If you do not set your boundary correctly now, you will have to respond to
him setting your interpersonal dynamics. Be careful not to let this degenerate into a control and
power struggle. That is not how you develop a healthy relationship. Tell you cannot be in a
relationship where your partner does not honestly communicate with you, but be prepared to
honor your own self-respect and leave the relationship to find a healthy partner.
Suggestion: Read "How to Be An Adult in Relationships: the Five Keys of Mindful Loving," by
David Richo.
Larry Star: I smell trouble brewing. Your statement, “I do trust him,” is more you trying to talk
yourself into that than actually believing it. You don’t trust him or else you wouldn’t look through
his stuff. Trust is earned, not demanded, and he hasn’t earned one dime. Be that as it may, if he is
sending flirty texts to any one other than you at this stage of your relationship, what’s going to
happen 3, 5, 7 years down the road? While I feel some privacy in a relationship is needed, honesty
and openness are paramount for this to survive. He thinks he’s still single. He is basically having his
cake and eating it, too. This guy isn’t mature enough to be headed for marriage. It sucks hearing
this, I know, but he will be nothing but heartache for you if you marry him without seeing a
marked change in his behavior, but I doubt he will any time soon.
Suggestion: Listen to Etta James’, “Trust in Me.”
Both Ends: Dr. Gomes suggests Devon search within herself to create limits of tolerance for her
fiancé’s behavior. Larry thinks he is too immature right now to be in an adult relationship. We both
agree that this is a potential time bomb which may have already been detonated by a single cell
phone.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health?
Send your questions to: questions@FromBothEnds.com
Dear Both Ends: My fiancé seems to think that keeping things from me is a fun game. It
drives me nuts when he won’t answer my simple questions like, what are you up to? Or
who called? Or who are you texting? I’m not proud of it, but his secrecy made me feel
like I had to snoop into his saved text and phone messages to answer my questions. I
know he would never be unfaithful to me, but I did find some questionable things in his
phone. He has flirty texts to a girl that I’ve never met, and he had a voicemail from the
same girl asking what he was doing this weekend. After he found out about my
snooping, he locked his phone and continually goes through my phone as if it bothered
me…but I have nothing to hide. I just tell him to go ahead and look, I’m an open book.
He can’t get over the fact that I don’t trust him. I do trust him; he just gives me every
reason not to! What should I do?
Devon, 26, never married, no kids, engaged
Dr. Gomes: You do not trust him! Nor is he giving you reason to trust him. He seems to be playing
games and enjoying withholding information. He seems to be protecting his independence and not
serving to protect you or the relationship. There is an emotional fear, shame, or guilt associated
with his withholding. Since you cannot make him behave, you will have to decide what are your
limits and boundaries. If you do not set your boundary correctly now, you will have to respond to
him setting your interpersonal dynamics. Be careful not to let this degenerate into a control and
power struggle. That is not how you develop a healthy relationship. Tell you cannot be in a
relationship where your partner does not honestly communicate with you, but be prepared to
honor your own self-respect and leave the relationship to find a healthy partner.
Suggestion: Read "How to Be An Adult in Relationships: the Five Keys of Mindful Loving," by
David Richo.
Larry Star: I smell trouble brewing. Your statement, “I do trust him,” is more you trying to talk
yourself into that than actually believing it. You don’t trust him or else you wouldn’t look through
his stuff. Trust is earned, not demanded, and he hasn’t earned one dime. Be that as it may, if he is
sending flirty texts to any one other than you at this stage of your relationship, what’s going to
happen 3, 5, 7 years down the road? While I feel some privacy in a relationship is needed, honesty
and openness are paramount for this to survive. He thinks he’s still single. He is basically having his
cake and eating it, too. This guy isn’t mature enough to be headed for marriage. It sucks hearing
this, I know, but he will be nothing but heartache for you if you marry him without seeing a
marked change in his behavior, but I doubt he will any time soon.
Suggestion: Listen to Etta James’, “Trust in Me.”
Both Ends: Dr. Gomes suggests Devon search within herself to create limits of tolerance for her
fiancé’s behavior. Larry thinks he is too immature right now to be in an adult relationship. We both
agree that this is a potential time bomb which may have already been detonated by a single cell
phone.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health?
Send your questions to: questions@FromBothEnds.com
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