Marital Advice
Dear Both Ends: I have been dating a co-worker for the past 3 years. We’ve known
each other and worked together since I was first hired here when I was 18. We’re really
happy and things are great between us so I’ve decided to take the plunge and ask her
to marry me. She said yes and I am so happy. Things couldn’t be better. I guess what
I am asking you guys is how can I make it work out. So many people get divorced. I
don’t want to make the same mistakes. What advice can you give me?
Teddy, age 23, never married, no children, car stereo installer.
Dr. Gomes: My best advice goes to you both equally. All good marital advice follows the same
imperative; resolve conflicts. And that single action generates a ton of advice each year.
Nonetheless, it is important to always focus on closing gaps between the two of you. You have
three positions with respect to another person; moving forward, standing still, and moving away.
You must always move forward otherwise you will find yourself apart over time. The key is close
gaps between you and your partner. You and your partner must both protect the relationship.
You have to close your gap yourself to move forward and ask for help when you can’t overcome
your own gap. Your partner has to close her own gap and likewise ask you for help if she cannot
get over it by herself. And the next best advice helps you attain the first bit of advice. Take care
of yourself. Self-care is important because if you are in good form you will be able to improve your
tolerance. The difference between self-care and selfishness is what you do afterwards. With self-
care you are emotionally, mentally, and physically available for others. This is no different and no
less important than the flight attendant’s instruction at the beginning of any flight—if rapid
decompressurization occurs, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. By putting on the mask first, it
prevents you from passing out and, therefore, makes you available to help someone else.
Suggestion: Plan a marriage-builders’ retreat weekend on your first anniversary. By then you will
have plenty of material to cover. Check out Dr W F Harley’s Marriage Builder (http://www.
marriagebuilders.com/) and read The Marriage Medics (http://www.themarriagemedics.com/).
Larry Star: They say that marriage is 50-50. I disagree. It’s 100-100. You must give 100
percent of yourself in your marriage and she must do the same. Any difference in the equation
and one of you will feel resentful. And we all know that resentfulness is a cancer. (Ahem) It’s a
cancer that will fester and take over your entire being, choking you, sucking the life out of you,
making your very existence a depressing, daily struggle, eventually making you a bitter,
misogynistic, cynical clod incapable of love or being loved. Uh…, er, not that I know first-hand or
anything.
Suggestion: Listen to Sting’s, “The Secret Marriage.”
Both Ends: Marital advice has been the same throughout time. And it goes for both parties. Be
respectful, caring, loving, and never take each other for granted. Thoughtfulness and
attentiveness plays a part in all relationships, but these two things must be a priority in your life
toward your partner.
Dear Both Ends: I have been dating a co-worker for the past 3 years. We’ve known
each other and worked together since I was first hired here when I was 18. We’re really
happy and things are great between us so I’ve decided to take the plunge and ask her
to marry me. She said yes and I am so happy. Things couldn’t be better. I guess what
I am asking you guys is how can I make it work out. So many people get divorced. I
don’t want to make the same mistakes. What advice can you give me?
Teddy, age 23, never married, no children, car stereo installer.
Dr. Gomes: My best advice goes to you both equally. All good marital advice follows the same
imperative; resolve conflicts. And that single action generates a ton of advice each year.
Nonetheless, it is important to always focus on closing gaps between the two of you. You have
three positions with respect to another person; moving forward, standing still, and moving away.
You must always move forward otherwise you will find yourself apart over time. The key is close
gaps between you and your partner. You and your partner must both protect the relationship.
You have to close your gap yourself to move forward and ask for help when you can’t overcome
your own gap. Your partner has to close her own gap and likewise ask you for help if she cannot
get over it by herself. And the next best advice helps you attain the first bit of advice. Take care
of yourself. Self-care is important because if you are in good form you will be able to improve your
tolerance. The difference between self-care and selfishness is what you do afterwards. With self-
care you are emotionally, mentally, and physically available for others. This is no different and no
less important than the flight attendant’s instruction at the beginning of any flight—if rapid
decompressurization occurs, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. By putting on the mask first, it
prevents you from passing out and, therefore, makes you available to help someone else.
Suggestion: Plan a marriage-builders’ retreat weekend on your first anniversary. By then you will
have plenty of material to cover. Check out Dr W F Harley’s Marriage Builder (http://www.
marriagebuilders.com/) and read The Marriage Medics (http://www.themarriagemedics.com/).
Larry Star: They say that marriage is 50-50. I disagree. It’s 100-100. You must give 100
percent of yourself in your marriage and she must do the same. Any difference in the equation
and one of you will feel resentful. And we all know that resentfulness is a cancer. (Ahem) It’s a
cancer that will fester and take over your entire being, choking you, sucking the life out of you,
making your very existence a depressing, daily struggle, eventually making you a bitter,
misogynistic, cynical clod incapable of love or being loved. Uh…, er, not that I know first-hand or
anything.
Suggestion: Listen to Sting’s, “The Secret Marriage.”
Both Ends: Marital advice has been the same throughout time. And it goes for both parties. Be
respectful, caring, loving, and never take each other for granted. Thoughtfulness and
attentiveness plays a part in all relationships, but these two things must be a priority in your life
toward your partner.
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