Money Makes the World Go Around
Dear Both Ends: How do I get my husband to share money with me? We’ve been
married a long time (24 years) and I’ve never really known what our financial status is at
any particular time. We’ve always maintained two separate checking accounts. He has
his and I have ours. I’ve had my own checking account since before married; when I
was working. We have had a system worked out were he deposits half his paycheck
into our joint account for me to pay household expenses. He just won’t give me more
than he has for several years. If I ever want to buy something else or new I have to go
through him. I’m tired of having to get his “permission” to buy anything and yet he
can get a flat screen TV to mount on the wall for his sports. How can I talk to him to
share the responsibilities equally?
Patti: age 64, married, homemaker.
Dr. Gomes: You have mentioned several things together in your description of what is going on
between the two of you. The first thing which came up for me is you not knowing how much is
in his bank account. The second thing is how he won’t give you additional (increased) money to
raise the household standard of living. But both of these points lead back to your first question:
how do I get my husband to share money with you? Because this doesn’t seem to make sense to
you I am suggesting to you that it is because there is an emotional reason behind his refusal. You
will need to find out from him, first, what is the worst thing that can happen for him if he does
give you more money. What is the worst thing that can happen for him if he does let you know
what is in his bank account. Don’t stop trying to figure it out until you get an ah-ha realization.
You might be tempted to think of this as a power and control issue. That reality is certainly
possible. But believing only that as reality would set you both up to engage each other in a power
and control struggle. That would be the worst thing for me to see in you both. Work together
by trying to uncover what his barriers are to sharing money with you rather than trying to just get
him to comply with your needs or demands.
Suggestion: Seek advice with a financial planner. A financial planner will help you both set limits
and work together to build a secure future.
Larry Star: I’m really not seeing a problem here. Ha, ha, ha! Just kidding. It sounds like your
husband is a bit of a controller. Your problem is now compounded for the simple reason that you’
ve let this go on for far too long. After twenty-four years of letting him control the finances, you
will be hard pressed to get him to change. I speculate that from his point of view he feels that he
makes the money and therefore he can do what he wants with it. The thing to do is to make
yourself a bit more independent. See if you can find employment. Having your own paycheck will
alleviate the need to ask him for things you want to get. It will also give you a boost of self-pride,
as well as a feeling of accomplishment.
Suggestion: I bet you think I’m going to tell you to listen to Pink Floyd’s, “Money,” but I am
not. Instead, listen to Jack Johnson’s, “Supposed To Be.”
Both Ends: Issues of money and other forms of power are often very destructive in relationships.
Dr. Gomes suggests working together on money issues and Larry suggests working around the
problem by taking care of one’s own money needs. Getting a job can have an additional benefit of
improving self-esteem.
Dear Both Ends: How do I get my husband to share money with me? We’ve been
married a long time (24 years) and I’ve never really known what our financial status is at
any particular time. We’ve always maintained two separate checking accounts. He has
his and I have ours. I’ve had my own checking account since before married; when I
was working. We have had a system worked out were he deposits half his paycheck
into our joint account for me to pay household expenses. He just won’t give me more
than he has for several years. If I ever want to buy something else or new I have to go
through him. I’m tired of having to get his “permission” to buy anything and yet he
can get a flat screen TV to mount on the wall for his sports. How can I talk to him to
share the responsibilities equally?
Patti: age 64, married, homemaker.
Dr. Gomes: You have mentioned several things together in your description of what is going on
between the two of you. The first thing which came up for me is you not knowing how much is
in his bank account. The second thing is how he won’t give you additional (increased) money to
raise the household standard of living. But both of these points lead back to your first question:
how do I get my husband to share money with you? Because this doesn’t seem to make sense to
you I am suggesting to you that it is because there is an emotional reason behind his refusal. You
will need to find out from him, first, what is the worst thing that can happen for him if he does
give you more money. What is the worst thing that can happen for him if he does let you know
what is in his bank account. Don’t stop trying to figure it out until you get an ah-ha realization.
You might be tempted to think of this as a power and control issue. That reality is certainly
possible. But believing only that as reality would set you both up to engage each other in a power
and control struggle. That would be the worst thing for me to see in you both. Work together
by trying to uncover what his barriers are to sharing money with you rather than trying to just get
him to comply with your needs or demands.
Suggestion: Seek advice with a financial planner. A financial planner will help you both set limits
and work together to build a secure future.
Larry Star: I’m really not seeing a problem here. Ha, ha, ha! Just kidding. It sounds like your
husband is a bit of a controller. Your problem is now compounded for the simple reason that you’
ve let this go on for far too long. After twenty-four years of letting him control the finances, you
will be hard pressed to get him to change. I speculate that from his point of view he feels that he
makes the money and therefore he can do what he wants with it. The thing to do is to make
yourself a bit more independent. See if you can find employment. Having your own paycheck will
alleviate the need to ask him for things you want to get. It will also give you a boost of self-pride,
as well as a feeling of accomplishment.
Suggestion: I bet you think I’m going to tell you to listen to Pink Floyd’s, “Money,” but I am
not. Instead, listen to Jack Johnson’s, “Supposed To Be.”
Both Ends: Issues of money and other forms of power are often very destructive in relationships.
Dr. Gomes suggests working together on money issues and Larry suggests working around the
problem by taking care of one’s own money needs. Getting a job can have an additional benefit of
improving self-esteem.
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