Tattoo You
Dear Both Ends: I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for five
months. He is just the greatest guy, and my son just adores him. We don’t live
together yet, but we are planning to move in together within the next six months and
get married the following year. My problem is that last week he surprised me with a
tattoo of my name on his arm. He is so proud of it he shows it off to everyone at
work. While I am no stranger to tattoos (I have three), he is pressuring me to do the
same. I don’t really want to do that. I’ve seen too many people who have tattooed
other people’s names on their bodies only to break up later and then be stuck with a
tattoo of someone you aren’t with anymore. I have been putting off telling him I really
don’t want to tattoo his name on me because I am afraid to hurt him and I am afraid
that he will break up with me over it. How can I tell him without jeopardizing our
relationship?
Erin, age 29, never married, an eight year old boy, delivery truck driver.
Dr. Gomes: I suspect he is interpreting the tattoo of his name on you as a sign of your
commitment to him. You wrote that you are afraid you may lose him if you don’t get this
tattoo. Thus, you may both be concerned about commitment. Is this tattoo a sign of
commitment for you or a practical reality based on an unpredictable future? All this makes me
wonder how significant the issue of commitment was for either of you in previous relationship. If
you do feel committed to him then suggest an alternate means of conveying your commitment.
This will address his fear and provide him with a sign of your commitment. Robert Sternberg’s
Triangular Theory of Love described a full, consummate love relationship as having equal measures
of passion, intimacy, and commitment. All three must be attended in order to experience the
best in your marriage.
Suggestion: Schedule a session with a pre-marital counselor to uncover any potential barriers to
a healthy, happy marriage. Also, read “Saving your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to
Ask Before (and After) You Marry” by Leslie and Les Parrott.
Larry Star: Your rationale of not telling him is twisted. He has your name on his body and you
are afraid of his breaking up with you? I honestly doubt that would happen. You will spend
forever with him exchanging bodily fluids but you won’t tattoo his name on you for fear you guys
may break up? I understand being afraid of the needle or never having had a tattoo before, but
you already have three. I think you should do it. I will even give you some options. 1. Tell him
you’ll do it when you have a ring on your finger. 2. Surprise him for his birthday/holiday with it. 3.
Pick out a symbol or a design that means something to you both, and then you get that tattooed
on yourselves. This way you won’t have to worry about having his actual name on you.
Suggestion: Listen to Leann Rimes’ “Commitment”.
Both Ends: We both agree that the tattoo is only a small part of Erin’s issue over commitment.
Explaining her trepidation in detail with her partner will not only clarify his feelings, but may also
reinforce their bond. As Erin described it, the relationship seems to be in jeopardy easily enough
so pre-marital counseling is definitely warranted before saying “I do”.
Dear Both Ends: I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for five
months. He is just the greatest guy, and my son just adores him. We don’t live
together yet, but we are planning to move in together within the next six months and
get married the following year. My problem is that last week he surprised me with a
tattoo of my name on his arm. He is so proud of it he shows it off to everyone at
work. While I am no stranger to tattoos (I have three), he is pressuring me to do the
same. I don’t really want to do that. I’ve seen too many people who have tattooed
other people’s names on their bodies only to break up later and then be stuck with a
tattoo of someone you aren’t with anymore. I have been putting off telling him I really
don’t want to tattoo his name on me because I am afraid to hurt him and I am afraid
that he will break up with me over it. How can I tell him without jeopardizing our
relationship?
Erin, age 29, never married, an eight year old boy, delivery truck driver.
Dr. Gomes: I suspect he is interpreting the tattoo of his name on you as a sign of your
commitment to him. You wrote that you are afraid you may lose him if you don’t get this
tattoo. Thus, you may both be concerned about commitment. Is this tattoo a sign of
commitment for you or a practical reality based on an unpredictable future? All this makes me
wonder how significant the issue of commitment was for either of you in previous relationship. If
you do feel committed to him then suggest an alternate means of conveying your commitment.
This will address his fear and provide him with a sign of your commitment. Robert Sternberg’s
Triangular Theory of Love described a full, consummate love relationship as having equal measures
of passion, intimacy, and commitment. All three must be attended in order to experience the
best in your marriage.
Suggestion: Schedule a session with a pre-marital counselor to uncover any potential barriers to
a healthy, happy marriage. Also, read “Saving your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to
Ask Before (and After) You Marry” by Leslie and Les Parrott.
Larry Star: Your rationale of not telling him is twisted. He has your name on his body and you
are afraid of his breaking up with you? I honestly doubt that would happen. You will spend
forever with him exchanging bodily fluids but you won’t tattoo his name on you for fear you guys
may break up? I understand being afraid of the needle or never having had a tattoo before, but
you already have three. I think you should do it. I will even give you some options. 1. Tell him
you’ll do it when you have a ring on your finger. 2. Surprise him for his birthday/holiday with it. 3.
Pick out a symbol or a design that means something to you both, and then you get that tattooed
on yourselves. This way you won’t have to worry about having his actual name on you.
Suggestion: Listen to Leann Rimes’ “Commitment”.
Both Ends: We both agree that the tattoo is only a small part of Erin’s issue over commitment.
Explaining her trepidation in detail with her partner will not only clarify his feelings, but may also
reinforce their bond. As Erin described it, the relationship seems to be in jeopardy easily enough
so pre-marital counseling is definitely warranted before saying “I do”.
